Three years ago, Ellie went to sleep in her tent and never woke up.
When someone passes away, those who are left behind are left with a bottomless pit of emptiness. They can fill up that void with memories, sorrow, sadness… Nothing it seems will quite fill up that gap. And one will feel lost and at loss. I do believe that, despite what a lot of people think, Death is much harder for those who stay behind and are left having to deal with the loss of a loved one.
Words are useless. So are images. But music can soothe. Music is full of the charge of memories reminding you of your lost one… But it can also allow oneself to release the emotional overload…
“My heart has joined the Thousand, for my friend stopped running today.” ― Richard Adams, Watership Down
Our dear friend Mickey – one of my parents cat – has stopped running today, as he passed away this morning…
We wish him a peaceful transition, may his journey ahead be filled with joy, love and plenty of naps by the fire!
“My heart has joined the Thousand, for my friend stopped running today.”
― Richard Adams, Watership Down
wherever you may go next,
may you find and carry joy and happiness,
truthfulness and love…
may these words be your shadow,
may you be happy, content,
healthy, loved and playful,
wherever you may go now.
I am fortunate, I got to cross your path
I wish you all the very best,
and even more.
far beyond that.
“Bang!” Said the gun
The Story of an Evolution.
“Bang! Bang! Bang!” Waving a stick – gun
“You shot me down”, in slow motion
“Bang! Bang! Bang!”
I said: “I’m dead!”
And it makes you smile,
Although I can tell your head
Isn’t completely at rest,
As you give me a slightly worried look.
A body hits the ground, somewhere.
A body elevates itself
Leaving the shallow realm of the half-gods behind,
To enter the wild unknown.
Leaving the one-eyed and the blind
Retelling your story as if they knew
Why you let yourself drown,
In the lights calling you…
Candles, bare lightbulbs, flames, neon,
Sunlight, headlights, starlight, moonlight…
Full moon lit night.
And that’s the last thing you saw of this world.
That’s where your next chapter begins…
Robin Williams in What Dreams May Come
I had been connecting quite a lot with cats the couple of days before she left… Cats with messages for me and also for others, and it made me smile.
That night, Our dog was very agitated waking us up all night.
The next morning I had a funny feeling about Tessa, the old cat who used to live with us (She has never been our cat, she was our landlords cat and she came with the house). She wasn’t in her usual spot… the thought that she had been hit by a car came to my mind so I went to check on the sides of the lane, by the house. No. Nothing. As I was walking back to the front door, I saw her dead body lying in a puddle under the windows, at the front of our house. My first feeling was that she had been hit by a car and was thrown over the fence. Then as I was checking her stiff body, I found a bald patch on her side, and the trace of a bruise on her skin.
Later on that day, we saw a beautiful rainbow right over our house as we were driving back home, and it felt like a good omen for her.
Please join me in sending positive thoughts and prayers for Tessa’s transition… She passed away exactly a week ago.
It was such a strange day yesterday… a day where there was beauty with underlying sadness. You know, when beauty feels sad. The sun was out and it was warming everyones’ spirits all afternoon. My psychic abilities were very sharp and I could perceive things with a vibrant glow. When I came back home, I got the farmer’s text. It said: “Cows going to butcher tomorrow. Don’t know the time yet.” I had to go there straight away, to say goodbye, to see them one last time and to take the very last pictures of them as cows, which I have used in this very post…
On my way, I had to stop at the organic produce shop where I bought them a lot of parsnips, as a goodbye treat. I got to the farm late afternoon/early evening and as soon as I got to the milking parlour, the first cow I saw was Dolly. She grabbed my attention straight away. She was waiting to be milked outside of the parlour, and she was eager to connect with me. I picked up on her sense of emergency. She said “I’m glad you came, we need to talk”. Barbie was being milked right in front of me, Chicory was done and Nettle was to be next. I briefly spoke to the farmer and his apprentice before going around the back, to see the cows. By that point, Barbie was done and I was connecting with her, Dolly was in the other pen, trying to get to me.
Barbie is (was!) such a special cow! we had a very special connection together. She gave me a lot of very good advice regarding the book I’m in the middle of writing with the cows. She told me once that I should be a team player with that project and that I should accept help and ask for help. A few months later, she was giving me loads of advice when I facilitated my first ever Animal Communication workshop with them at the end of last summer. She said to me something very powerful that had such a strong impact on me: at the end of the workshop she said that I had to respect the relationship that the (at the time new) farmer had with the cows. She said that even if it wasn’t how I wanted it to be, I shouldn’t interfere and let his relationship be whatever it is meant to be. She taught me that everyone who comes to the farm has their own and unique relationship with the cows and I should always respect that and not interfere. This is by far the best piece of advice I have ever received regarding Animal Communication.
Then Winter came. Barbie gave birth to a male calf and that calf was taken away two weeks later. Barbie was devastated. I remember her walking around the barn, looking everywhere for her calf. She could hear, see and smell the other calves and they kept reminding her that she had lost hers. She told me that she felt as if she was lost in the dark. She had these big dark circles around her eyes, like someone who hadn’t slept for ages… and she was wandering around like a ghost, completely heart broken. I could feel her pain. The sadness, the loss… At the time I wrote about it here. She never really recovered from that last trauma. She was broken. She has been depressed and miserable ever since… and depression is contagious. Barbie’s depression has spread throughout the other cows in the barn, from then on.
Nettle and Barbie
Then I went to find Chicory who didnt feel like talking. She felt let down. The farmer has been trying to rescue her, with a local lady. It was all happening. He had built a strong case with the farm committee and as she was his favourite cow he was really hoping to save her… She was still strongly connected to the previous farmer. I briefly met that lady on Sunday evening. She was a bit of a show off… I didnt have a very good feeling about her. She was coming to milk Chicory by hand so the farmer could see how she was getting on before arranging for her to have the cow… Apparently it turned out that she had no food and no building sorted for Chicory. She was about to just let her stay outside. So it was decided that it wasn’t a viable option as Chicory would have needed food and shelter, especially as she was supposed to give birth there…
So Chicory knew that the farmer was sorting something out for her… it didnt work, and when I saw her for the last time, she was silent.
Chicory didn’t feel like eating the parsnips I had brought. She took it in her mouth, dropped it, sniffed it…
looked at me… and walked away.
I must say that the barn was very noisy as a few cows were in crisis mode. The remaining calves, the lucky ones who got to stay with their mums for a few months were all locked in a pen, and their mums couldn’t have access to them and they were going mental. The calves were calling their mums, the mums were calling back to the point where their throats were growing hoarse and they were losing their voices. Thistle came to find me and asked me to open the pen so that the calves could come out. I was very tempted and had to stop myself from doing so. But then I thought that as soon as the farm staff would find out they will split them up again… I apologised to her. She was mooing as loud as she could with her broken voice, urging me to help her. I told her that my help wasnt going to suffice. I tried to go and see the calves in their pen, and also to have a look at how it was closed… She screamed in my face, she was in crisis mode and then forced me out of the barn with her horns, pushing me towards the gate and she asked me to not come in. She said she wouldnt let any human come anywhere near that pen. She was worried for her calf. She feared that someone would come and take him away. I told her that the calves were probably going to be moved to another barn. I thought to myself that it was such a bad timing to separate the calves from their mums, right when these four cows are about to be sent off to slaughter…
Thistle telling me that if I wasn’t going to help her then I should stay away as she doesnt want any humans to take her calf away…
Thistle mooing at me telling me to stay away and crying for help
Thistle looking sad and feeling hopeless.
Thistle has always been very nice to me. I felt extremely sorry that I couldn’t help her… but farm staff were about and if I had indulged in my urge to set the calves free, it would have been obvious it was me and they would have had to put them back in straight away.
I felt attracted to the lower gate, pulled like a magnet… and as I was standing there, Dolly came to the gate and stood next to me. She was very still and looked at me. It was getting dark and the two pictures I took of her are too dark as you can see below (as I don’t use flash as a general rule and especially with animals…)
My last moments with Dolly. That’s how I’ll remember her… standing next to me in the dark… giving me her last message for you all, while I was stroking her, crying. I’ll never forget that moment. It was extremely moving.
Then I started to connect with the four cows who were due to leave the next day. I could feel that they were all giving me their last words. Here is the conversation we had:
Me: What are your last instructions for me?
All of them: You need to get the farmer to be more grounded. Before he communicates with us his preparation should be a grounded meditation.
For me: Pay attention to the signs around you. You receive information and messages all the time but you don’t always notice them.
Me: Barbie, Nettle, Dolly, Chicory… you are going tomorrow… They are sending you off. You are going to die tomorrow. You’ll have to be brave. don’t be scared. Tomorrow the sun will rise and you will go to the morning milking session as usual. Then during the day a truck will turn up and park down by the gate down there. You will be loaded on the truck, the four of you altogether. The truck will take you somewhere else, you will feel the wind on your face and everything will move quite fast while you are on the truck. You will arrive at a sad place, where you will be unloaded, then you will be in a line, it will be noisy and you will see and smell death. Humans will kill you: they will cut your throats open. I’m really sorry that humans are doing this to you. You’ll find it stressful. Do not worry, you will die quickly and then your spirit will leave your body and you’ll be free to go wherever you want.
Dolly: I’ll come back here and see the other cows and then I’ll come to visit you.
Me: Yes please, do! What’s your last message for humans?
Barbie and Dolly: Love. I’m glad it’s over, I’m glad to move on. Thank you for coming tonight to tell us about tomorrow. I’m glad it’s over
Me to Barbie: I could feel your pain since they took your last calf away… It was horrible. Shortly after it happened you told me you felt like you were completely lost in the dark…
Barbie: Yes I’m glad I don’t have to go through that again. I want to move on.
Dolly: People need to be reminded of death. They need to think about it regularly. It’s a part of life. Remember us, remember our story. Go and visit farms and meet the animals there, to remind yourself of death and that some beings are less fortunate.
To me: Pay attention to the signs around you. Enjoy, relax, don’t worry. Go with the flow, don’t try to have control, it’s pointless. You are not in control, ultimately.
It’s my last night in this body. Tomorrow I’ll see my last sunrise as a cow. I’m not scared. I know I won’t like it when they kill me but I’ll be relieved. Thank you for letting us know.
Live in the now.
Barbie had one last request : She asked me to get in touch with a human friend of hers that we both know (another animal communicator called Pea) , to let her know of her passing. I did.
Then I cried in silence, while stroking Dolly and telling her how much I loved her and how special she/they were. Eventually Dolly said goodbye and went to lie down and went in a meditative state.
I felt like praying for them. I did, with all my focus and all my heart, as hard as I could.
A picture of Dolly (forefront) that I took last December.
As I am writing this tonight, I can feel that they are with me, especially Barbie and Dolly. Their presence has made me shiver a few times.
I hope that this story will go through you, move your heart, and that you will allow yourself to feel sad. I also hope that you will not chose to react with anger, frustration or a vigilante mindset. These negative emotions will not take you to a happy place and it will not make any difference at all.
I would like to add a note here regarding the farmer and his apprentice. When I went to talk to them in the milking parlour last night, while she was milking Barbie the farmer’s apprentice said to me with her gentle voice and her lovely Scottish accent:
“I tried to tell them today, I don’t know if they heard me, but I did tell them”. They are both keen on animal communication and I have helped them to connect with the cows many times. They are young (early 20’s), with little power to make decisions and they are not bad people. The farmer’s apprentice has a natural ability to communicate with animals telepathically, even her Dad told me that she has always done it, as far as he can remember. They are just doing their best with the situation they have got which is not pretty. They do love the cows and they are doing their best. Who knows where their paths will take them?
I’m tired of the Animal Rights activists views, implying that things are either completely black or completely white and that any human involved in farming is an asshole. Things are more complicated than that. The thread that connects all beings with one another is very intricate. Everyone is doing their best with where they are at. Dairy farming is a very ugly trade, there is no questioning it, but the human beings who are caught up in it are only humans, with their own struggles and weaknesses.
So please let’s forgive one another, let’s not point the finger at each other, let’s not judge… Let’s try to understand them, from a place of love. When these cows were violently killed earlier on today, a part of every single one of us was violently killed with them, because we are all interconnected. That’s why the world is in such a state of confusion and destruction. Let’s not feed the ugliness in the world with more ugliness. Let’s try to heal it with love and kindness…
Thanks for reading me,
Goodbye beautiful Dolly (picture above), and a fond farewell to Chicory, Barbie and Nettle. You will be sadly missed. I love you all very much! Thank you for everything you taught me, for tolerating my presence in your space and for putting up with all my questions.
My entire brain space has been intensely focused on the cows for a few days. Most of that time hasn’t been spent in their company at all but instead trying to organise things & communicate with man people online – something that I’ve had to take a break from as it can over-stimulate my mind & keep me awake at night. I lie there in bed thinking about what could be done again and again… and I end up feeling awful because that’s all I can think about, my mind is always elsewhere and I end up not being present for my family and neglecting them.
Yesterday was both beautiful and sad at the same time. I had such a lovely time in the afternoon! I felt extremely lucky to spend two hours sat in the barn, sharing some precious time with the cows with such lovely people! I’m always amazed how groups of people create themselves in such an organic way! I really feel that there is something special with these Animal Communication workshops with the cows. It’s amazing to watch people feeling that call from the cows. Whoever is meant to be there, will be there.
But my heart sunk when I realised last night that we wouldn’t be able to save the cows from their terrible fate. Still, I did hold some hope that maybe we could save one of them (the farmer’s favourite) (who is pregnant) as he had arranged for a lady who lives down the road to have her, but apparently it turned out that she didn’t have any building or any food sorted out for the cow, so the farm ended up saying no. They don’t want the cows to go to a sanctuary either as they are concerned that the place may not have the right facilities to transition the cows out of dairy farming. So they are going to slaughter. Despite all my efforts to find them somewhere to go, in the end it’s not meant to be. I think that these are just excuses though. The core of the matter is more to do with money. If they were willing to let them go for free then they would, but as they could get a significant amount of money for them, they would rather save themselves the bother and make some money.
I think the only thing I can do now is to take the farmer to visit Hugletts Wood Farm Animal Sanctuary so that he can see what a Cow Sanctuary looks like, and next time he will be able to vouch for such place. With farming it really is one baby step at the time, which can be quite disheartening. More cows will go this year, I think even the bull is supposed to go after about 13 years on the farm. It saddens me, but I’ll have to accept it. My four and half year old son was watching me moving Heaven and Earth on Saturday trying to save these four cows. I explained to him why I was so busy staring at my computer screen all day and he said to me:
“So are the cows going to die?”
I said: “well, hopefully not, that’s why I’m trying to find somewhere else for them to go so they can be safe”
– But they don’t want to die! why are they going to kill them?
– No you’re right, I don’t think they want to die.
– So they can’t be killed then if they don’t want to die! What about the very big daddy then? He’s not going to die, is he?
The very big daddy is the name Thom gave to Bob, the bull. As I knew that his departure has been on the cards for a while I asked recently and I have been told that he was due to leave this coming summer. So I said:
– I think he will have to go too at some point this year.
– But we can’t let the very big daddy go, we can’t! I don’t want him to be killed!
No. I don’t want him to be killed either. Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t think that death should be feared and avoided at all costs: when I talk about death with animals, generally speaking they are not particularly scared of dying. In fact, they seem to be able to handle it better than most of the humans I know! For them it’s natural, like a contract you sign when you are born: you accept that at some point you will have to die. They don’t have all the emotional attachements to life and all of the fears surrounding death… BUT they don’t want to be killed, and they are scared of the idea of being in pain, the unknown, the stress, having to go somewhere, to be loaded on a truck… Farmed animals would rather die when they feel they are ready to die and they would like to die peacefully on the farm, where they were born. They usually dont get that luxury unfortunately, as their dead bodies are worth money. They can be sold and eaten so they are transferred to slaughter houses when their carers feel that they have passed their prime in terms of productivity.
My hope is to somehow find a way for dairy cows to retire. I have tried to convince the farm to allow some of the older cows to retire and be left to just ‘be’. That was how I was planning to spend the money I get for the workshops with the cows, I wanted to pay for the retirement of one or two healthy older cows so they could stay on the farm, and I was told it was a good idea, one that could be discussed further. I have been told last week that now they need the space. No wonder the cows have been so unhappy lately! Having carers who change their minds all the time and can’t stick to their own decisions must be quite hard to handle, especially if it’s your life that is at stake every time!
Anyway… I have made the committment to stay in a place of love, understanding and neutrality and I can feel that I’m starting to drift away from that right now…
These are hard decisions to make. And I know that no one is happy to see them go.
There will be more happy times. and more sad times too.
Farming. What an odd system!
I think I will try to contact these four cows in spirit in a few days time and see how they are all doing.
Please join me in sending them all our love and positive thoughts in their passing…
Millions of thanks to everyone who responded to my appeal on Saturday. I got to meet some extraordinary people! Thank you for your messages, help and suggestions, I have kept good notes of all the places you have suggested me and I’ll make sure to use them again next time.