Thom, when he was a few days old… I wrote about it here at the time.
Exactly five years ago, I was just embarking on a journey, a journey of self – discovery, though I didnt realise it at the time. Something beautiful happened, but not the way I had planned. I was in for a shock.
For the first time in my life, something went wrong, out of my control, like a train coming off the tracks. Something beyond my control happened, to show me that being in control is an illusion.
You’re not in control, ultimately.
My son is the living reminder of this. From the second he was born this is the lesson he has been relentlessly presenting to me, on a daily basis for the last five years.
Before him, I thought I knew myself. I thought I was quite evolved spiritually and I thought I was a very flexible person… then he arrived and turned my world upside down and I realised that I was a complete control freak. I was flexible because I had organised my life the way I wanted it to be… It’s easy to be flexible when you have carefully constructed your own selfish reality!
One of the first lessons I learned : It’s not about me or what I want, or how I would like things to be. Being able to go with the flow while not holding onto the past or worrying about the future is a good start… but that’s just a start. Hold on tight! It’s a bumpy ride but it is a true gift.
Parenting has brought me to face the greatest challenges of my life and I realised that I am (and he is) much more resilient than I ever imagined.
I was the kind of young adult who didn’t want to have any children. I was dead against it and even considered getting ‘sterilised’! I only wanted to go on adventures, my camera around my neck. Now I’m glad I changed my mind and I’m glad that I had the opportunity to embark on this crazy ride. It’s a great way to sort out your own shit as it brings everything up to the surface for you to look at it. It’s not always pretty, but once you have seen it, examined it, re-played it and prepared yourself to let go of it, it’s a wonderful feeling. You feel ready to move on, to embrace the next challenge that’s about to be thrown in your face… It has been relentless, like a proper jedi training, but if you accept to fully embrace the challenge and face it head on, it’s a powerful opportunity for personal growth and self development.
Today he is five, and I’m just at the beginning of the ladder. One baby step at a time. He just looked at the picture of himself above and said: “Oh that’s me when I was a baby, when I just came out of your tummy”
– Yes I said,
The he rubbed his little hands on my tummy and said :
“Look, I think there might be another baby in your tummy, and it’s a little girl!”
Although I acknowledge that it’s been an incredible journey and that the last five years have been an incredible ride, I don’t have the pretense to imagine surviving if I have my life turned upside down again… Now my selfishness longs for peace, calm, quiet…
and I wouldn’t mind trying to have a little bit of my life my own way again, just for a little while!
Have a good night,